Who's coffee cup did I pee in to win this prize? Admittedly, I was a bit of a wench in high school, but not enough to deserve this. Let's roll the timeline back a little bit so you can get caught up on my drama llama.
In January 2011, I had a bicycle accident due to my own moment of temporary insanity. You see, I decided to take a bicycle ride with my dog. I had successfully ridden with her a dozen times before. Unfortunately, she didn't want to cooperate this time. Apparently, she finds garbage cans to be evil and avoids them like the plague. So, you can imagine my surprise as we were peddling down the road and came upon the green can of evil. She bolted, my handlebars jerked to right and I flew over the top and found myself face down on the asphalt.
My only saving grace was my left hand and arm took the brunt of the force. We're not talking about cool Jedi force. More like, an immovable object meets the road type of force. The road was the immovable object and I was but a fly on its windshield.
After my sweet husband yelled at me for being so stupid as to walk the dog on my bicycle, it was determined I needed some help. Yep, he yelled at me. Trust me, I've locked that little tidbit in my vault. While my arm wasn't broken, so I thought, it was bleeding and I was having a difficult time staying awake. So, he moved me out of the road and onto a neighbors driveway. He ran back to the house to get the car, while I lay in the driveway bleeding and unconscious. Yep, I passed out from the pain. I had road rash from my elbow to my palm. It burned like nothing I have experienced before. It seemed like a good time to take a timeout from that reality.
Back at the house, I soaped my injuries and scrubbed them clean by picking pieces of asphalt out, one by one. Only passing out twice doing so. Hindsight is always 20/20 and it probably would have been wise to go to the ER at that point. But, I was so scared of having them clean my wounds, I pig headedly decided to do it myself.
Fast forward two days and I drag myself into the Orthopedists office. He takes a few x-rays and decides it's not broken, but severely sprained. So, they wrap me up in a Munster cast and tell me to come back in four weeks. For those who don't know what a Munster cast is, let me enlighten you. Bend your arm at a 90 degree angle, palm up. Now freeze and stay that way for four weeks. It is most unpleasant.
Four weeks go by and the cast comes off. The road rash has become infected, pus filled and disgusting. So, they wrap it up in a brace and tell me to change the bandages. The wrist is worse and it is decided I need surgery. So, two weeks later I go in for the first surgery.
All's well with the surgery. They gave me pain pills to ease my suffering, but I had some fun side effects. The most horrid side effect was constipation. Things became critical on the toilet post-op. Once I became constipated, my body decided it needed a little time out while on the potty. Yep, I passed out. Passing out while on the toilet is not a lot of fun on any day. Now, recovering from a broken wrist while wearing the most uncomfortable cast in the world, hopped up on pain killers and constipated brings on a whole new level of fun. Meet the other immovable object. My bowels.
Thus, began the ride of my life. They told me to take laxatives. That caused an atomic explosion of epic proportions and it is simply not fit to print. I upped my fiber intake in an attempt to soften things up. Despite my best efforts, things were touch and go. Sometimes I would get backed up and faint. Other times I would shit my brains and faint. By far, my favorite thing was waking in the middle of the night only to faint.
This went on for a year before I got the courage up to see my family doctor. I met with the Nurse Practitioner and she decided I needed a full physical. She determined I needed to see a Gastroenterologist and have a colonoscopy. How very exciting. She was also concerned with some other issues I was having.
In January 2012, I began having severe fatigue, tightness in my chest, extreme weakness in my legs and arms, severe joint pain and a battery of other issues. So, she did an EKG in the office and sent me on my way. Later that night I received a call from her office. The doctor had spotted an irregularity on my EKG and they wanted me to see a Cardiologist. Fine. Freaking fabulous.
I was able to get into the Cardiologist first. He ran an EKG and said my heart was fine. But, for giggles he wanted to do an Echo just to cover his butt. So, I had the Echo. A few weeks later I went back for the follow-up and had one of the many surprises of the year. He was "shocked" at my Echo results. Apparently I have Diastolic Dysfuction, Grade II. For anyone who doesn't have a PhD, here is the explanation in laymans terms. When your heart pumps, you get two beats. On one beat, your heart is pushing out blood. On the next beat, you heart is essentially sucking in blood. Well, my heart has hardened and is not filling with enough blood in between beats. I wasn't really given an explanation as to why this happened, but he really wasn't concerned with it. But, he did say that could be the cause of my issues.
I remember leaving his office in a complete fog. Did I or did I not have a heart problem? Hmm...
He decided to strap me into a chest monitor for two weeks to see if we could catch one of my fainting episodes. Of course, we didn't catch anything except a few palpitations.
Meanwhile, at the Gastroenterologist I was being put through a battery of tests. I had a colonoscopy with biopsies and they came back clear. He decided I needed an ultrasound of my entire abdomen. That came back irregular and showed I had low blood flow. So, he decided I needed a barium GI. That came back fine. I pooped white sticky clay for seven days after that test. Freaking Fabulous. So, he decided I needed a CT scan of my abdomen with iodine uptake. That came back clean.
I was officially diagnosed with IBS. Anyone who's ever had this diagnosis knows it's your doctors way of saying I have no freaking clue what's wrong with you, but your insurance requires I write down something to justify all the expensive testing.
More later...
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